


The Difference Between Acting And Loving

by padfootagain



Category: British Actor RPF
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Romantic Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 09:54:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17262104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/padfootagain/pseuds/padfootagain
Summary: Ben and you get along very well as you work together on this movie. Actually, you can say that the two of you are friends… or actually a bit more than that perhaps…





	1. What The Head Commands

**Author's Note:**

> This series is complete. I hope you like it :)

The truth was… he was in love with you. He loved your smile, and the sound of your laugh, and your silly jokes, and this confident glint that was shining in your eyes. He loved the sound of your voice, and the feeling of your fingers against his. You didn’t know it, but his heart skipped a beat every time he saw you walking into a room. He had butterflies in his stomach each time you talked to him. He dreamt about you at night, you were the thought that kept haunting him and deprived him of any rest after the sun was gone. He loved how kind and generous you were, and how much talent you held inside you. He loved how you bit your lip when you were thinking, how you would play with your watch whenever you were nervous, how you would close your eyes when you needed to focus. He loved how your lips seemed to always be calling him for a caress. He wanted to kiss you every time you walked into the room he was in.

Although for now, he had to focus on something else than your wonderful lips…

“How could you betray my sister like this?” you spat right at his face.

“I did no such thing…”

“I read your letter to her,” you added, throwing the paper at his face.

“Gloria…”

“I don’t want to see you near our house again. Never. Do you understand?”

“Gloria please, you must here me out.”

“How could you find any argument that is not already written on this paper? You are engaged to another woman!”

Ben closed his eyes, heaving a sigh, before staring at you again, his dark eyes fixed upon yours.

“It is not what you think…”

But before he could finish his argument, your hand had flown up and collided with his cheek, emitting a sharp noise.

He remained motionless, his jaw clenched for a moment, while the skin of his cheek slowly turned red. Until…

“Cut!”

The second the word escaped your director’s mouth, Ben exploded in laughter, rubbing his painful cheek.

“Oh my God…” you hurried to him, a sheepish expression on his face. “Ben, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he nodded, still laughing.

“I’m so, so, so sorry…”

“You were not supposed to use all your strength to slap me, remember? We discussed that this morning…”

“I’m so sorry, I thought you would turn your head faster.”

You held his hand away from his burning cheek, although he was still chuckling. You winced at the sight of the very red skin.

“I’m so sorry,” you apologized one more time.

“Y/N, I’m fine. It’s not the first time someone slaps me. I’ll get over it.”

“Funny enough, it doesn’t surprise me that much. You’re so annoying,” you teased him.

“Just… remind me never to piss you off. I didn’t know you had so much strength.”

Your director walked towards the two of you.

“You’re okay, Ben?” he asked.

“I’m just fine, Andrew,” Ben smiled. “Y/N just got a bit carried away here.”

Andrew frowned, examining Ben’s cheek more closely.

“We’ll have time to grab a coffee, waiting for your cheek to be back to its normal shade. We’ll be back in 10 minutes. Ask for some makeup if it’s not back to normal before the end of the break.”

“Sure,” Ben nodded.

“And Y/N,” Andrew went on, turning towards you, an amused look on his face, “try not to send my actors to the hospital, okay?”

You laughed.

“Well, maybe he deserved it.”

“Did I?” Ben asked, raising an eyebrow while most of the people on the set, including the two of you, were hurrying towards the coffee machine.

“Consider that it’s for your next offense towards me.”

“I wasn’t aware I had ever offended you.”

“You’ll probably do one day. And when that day comes, I’ll have already slapped you. So I won’t hit you again.”

“Does that mean that I can piss you off and have a special protection against your wrath?”

“Only for one time. But yes.”

“Sounds fair.”

He looked at you throwing your head back as you laughed like a little child. He loved so much this laugh of yours…

He shook himself as you struggled with your large velvety dress that was supposed to remind of the 19th century.

“Want some help?” he asked.

“Yeah, could you… put this lace outside the corset, it’s digging a hole into my back.”

He tried to forget that he was touching your back as he arranged your costume.

“Here you go,” he said, and you heaved a content sigh now that the feeling of the lace pressing against your spine had disappeared.

“Thanks.”

You finally managed to grab a cup of coffee, and you waited for Ben to have his tea before walking further away from the crowd.

You massaged your temple.

“Headache?” Ben asked you, sipping on his tea, but wincing as the beverage was too hot and he burnt his tongue.

You smiled, amused. He _always_ burnt himself with his tea.

“Yeah… I couldn’t manage to learn my lines last night. And tomorrow it’s going to be even worse. Have you seen what Andrew has planned?!”

Ben shrugged.

“I guess we’re up for a sleepless night.”

You heaved a deep sigh.

“Would you like some help?” Ben proposed. “I can pass at your trailer tonight, and learn the lines with you. Anyway, we’re spending tomorrow together again.”

“How will I survive when I have to work one more day with you all day long?” you joked, chuckling.

“I know, I’m such a pain in the arse,” Ben smiled.

“I’d love to have some help though,” you nodded with a bright smile that transformed the butterflies in Ben’s stomach into fireworks. “If you want we can order some food.”

“Chinese?”

“Pizza?”

“If there are some beers, I’m all for a good pizza.”

“Of course I have beers! What do you think?”

He smiled, chuckling.

“We should go back,” he said, biting his tongue.

He wanted to invite you to a restaurant. Or to watch a movie. Or to take a walk or do anything that would please you. He wanted you to be much more than a colleague. Although… it wasn’t the right time for this.

He watched you as you quickly nodded, and walked back on the set, being careful that your large dress would not get caught into any piece of furniture.

He drank his last gulp of tea, his eyes never leaving you.

Tonight maybe…

——————————————————————————————————–

You both had thrown your scripts away a long time ago, and they were lying now on the floor, disregarded. You took another slice of pizza, listening to Ben’s story. You had been talking for almost an hour now, but you didn’t want it to stop. You often became friends with the rest of the cast, especially when you had to work for a long time on a movie, like it was the case here. Seven long months of shooting. Only two had passed, although, you weren’t worried about working for such a long time with the same people anymore. You were always afraid not to like the people you would work with, but everyone on set was adorable.

And Ben was such a laugh.

He was kind, and always in a good mood, and you could always count on him to cheer you up when you felt down. And yes for sure, you were becoming friends with other people on set, but with Ben, it was different. Most of the time when you worked on a movie, you would be friendly with each other, and you would always be glad to see each other on other occasions, like conventions or parties. But it was rare that you would call any of them after you were done working together to have a drink. Sometimes you received a call when they were in your hometown. And you loved seeing them again, catching up on each other’s lives around a good coffee.

But with Ben…Â it was different. You wanted to spend time with him off set. You wanted to know him. And when all this would be over, and that the two of you would go back to your normal lives, you wanted him to call you more often than once in a while. You thought that you could have won a very good friend thanks to this movie.

And you hoped that you would not lose him once life would be back to normal.

You laughed at his silly story, eating more pizza.

But your phone rang, and Ben passed you the device that rested on the shelf behind him. He wondered who Gerald was. You saw him glimpsing at the shining screen, even though he blushed fiercely right after, a guilty expression on his face.

You read the text, and Ben noticed your clenched jaw.

It was your ex-boyfriend, of course…

_Y/N, don’t be stupid. Give me another chance. Please, call me and tell me where you are. I’m worrying sick about you._

You snorted, throwing the phone further away on the couch.

“Everything’s all right?” Ben asked, swallowing a mouthful of pizza.

“My ex-boyfriend pisses me off,” you answered.

You looked at your food, but you weren’t that much hungry anymore…

Ben nodded slowly.

“I see…” he said softly.

He looked at you intensely, searching for a sign. Should he drop he subject or encourage you to talk about it?

“What does he want?” he asked cautiously.

You shrugged, a bitter laugh half caught in your throat.

“A second chance,” you said coldly.

Ben nodded slowly again.

“What did he do?” he asked softly, as if he was afraid you would get scared and run away.

“Apparently he’s unable to stay true if I’m away from him for more than a few weeks.”

You let the rest of your pizza fall back into the wooden box. You had this tight knot in your stomach that prevented you to eat anything at all again.

“He cheated on you?” Ben asked, apparently surprised.

“He did,” you nodded, narrowing your eyes. “Why are you so shocked about it? Happens every day that a jerk would cheat on his girlfriend.”

Ben shook himself and drank a gulp of beer, uncomfortable now.

“I mean…” he stuttered. “I don’t see how any guy could cheat on _you_.”

You frowned slightly, noticing his fleeing glance.

“Well, clearly _he_ could,” you said bitterly.

Ben looked up at you again, his eyes soft and full of concern.

“When did you two break up?” he asked.

“Right before we started shooting this film. When I learned that he had slept with his assistant. How clichÃ© is that?”

“Well, he’s obviously an asshole.”

You laughed.

“Yeah, I guess he is.”

But you had this expression of pain on your face, and it was killing him. He wanted you to be happy and smiling, just like you were five minutes before, before you received this text…

“Don’t be sad,” he said softly. “He’s the one who acted like the worst prick in the world. None of this is your fault.”

You shrugged.

“If he cheated on me, perhaps it was a bit my fault.”

“How could it be ?”

“I wasn’t there for him. I was on the other side of the world…”

“It doesn’t matter,” Ben replied, shaking his head, his dark eyes fixed on you. “When you love someone, it doesn’t matter if he or she is in the next room or in another country. When you love someone you never want anyone else. It’s bullshit to give distance as an excuse. There’s no excuse for acting like that. It just shows that he’s a selfish arse.”

“You don’t even know him,” you replied.

“I know he cheated on you, and now he’s begging for forgiveness. It’s enough to have a pretty good image of the kind of guy he is.”

Ben was frowning, a passionate glint in his eyes. To be honest, he was the first person to share your thoughts on the matter. Everyone kept on giving your ex some excuses. You were away for months, you didn’t take care of him enough… basically they kept on telling you that they weren’t surprised it had happened and that it was all your fault. Surprisingly, they expected you to be true when Gerald had left you alone for 6 months for his job. You guessed it was one more misogynic bullshit.

And then there was Ben who had exactly the same opinion as you on the matter. It was reassuring, it just meant that the people you thought as your friends were all wrong.

“You shouldn’t forgive him,” Ben said slowly. “He fucked up. And there are things that you’re not supposed to forgive.”

There was a little bit of melancholia in his dark eyes, and you narrowed your eyes slightly.

“You seem to speak about something you’ve experienced yourself,” you said softly.

He looked away, resting his gaze on his bottle of beer. He shrugged.

“It was a long time ago.”

“I’m all ears,” you said, shifting on the uncomfortable sofa to get a bit comfortable.

He shrugged.

“There’s not much to say. I was away for work. It was one of my first jobs. And… she didn’t seem to think that I was worth waiting.”

He gave you a sad smile.

“It was a long time ago.”

“Does it still hurt?” you asked.

Your voice was fragile now, as if you were asking for a cure to a sickness that was slowly killing you.

“No,” he answered earnestly. “It just… makes you more defensive when it comes to people.”

“I see,” you nodded. “And when does it stop to hurt?”

“When you realize none of this was your fault.”

You exchanged a smile.

“It’s not because you’re with someone that you can’t think about your career,” he said, and it seemed that he was reading your mind. “If he loved you, he would understand that.”

You nodded slowly, conscious that he was right.

Gerald’s betrayal was still painful though. It seemed like it would be impossible for you to trust anyone from now on.

You looked intensely at Ben.

You trusted him though…

“Do you…” Ben asked softly, stuttering, and he passed his tongue on his lower lip to wet his dry skin. “Do you… still love him?”

He was blushing again, his dark eyes fixed on the cold pizza in his hand.

“No, I don’t think so,” you answered shaking your head.

“Are you going to forgive him?”

You snorted.

“In his wildest dreams only,” you said bitterly.

You caught a small smile forming on Ben’s face.

“Do you think you’re ready to… turn the page?”

You shrugged.

“With the right person, I guess I could. It’s a strange thing but… I’m angry against Gerald. But I’m so angry and bitter that I… I don’t cry him. I don’t miss him. I just wish he was never in my life in the first place.”

Ben nodded.

He put down his food, and bottle of beer, but he couldn’t find the courage to look into your infinite eyes.

Deep down he knew it wasn’t the right time, not after the talk you two had just shared. Not after your ex’s text, not after you had confessed him things he knew you had told few people about.

But you were so beautiful in the dim light inside your trailer, and your eyes were so bright, and your lips seemed so soft… And you were this perfect balance of strength and fragility he longed so much for and he couldn’t control himself right now.

He was making a mistake, this wasn’t the right time to do this, but he couldn’t help it.

“Y/N… I was wondering,” he said softly, his voice slightly shaking, his cheeks flushed again. “Would you… I mean… Would you like to go have a dinner with me one day… maybe ?”

You frowned.

“We’ve just had one now,” you said.

“No, I mean…” Ben went on, struggling to let the words out of his mouth. “I meant in a real restaurant. Just the two of us…”

“You mean… like a date?”

He nodded slowly.

“Yeah, on a date,” he said.

He looked up at you, dreading your reaction. But you were merely stunned for now.

“You want to invite me on a date?” you asked, aghast.

“Yes,” he nodded, an amused smile forming on his lips despite how terrified he was. “Why are you so surprised?”

“I… why would you like to do that?”

“Because I like you,” he lied, shrugging.

He knew perfectly that you were much more than a crush, but you didn’t need to know that for now…

You remained frozen for what seemed an eternity to him, before you would finally shake yourself.

You had a rule. One rule that you had never broken. Love and work were two very different things and were to remain two different things…

“Ben… look I…”

But he could read your answer in your eyes already. He could read it in your way of searching for the right words, the way you were looking at him as if you were afraid to hurt him, the way you were biting your lip.

So he forced a smile, and shook his head.

“It’s all right,” he interrupted you. “I understand.”

“Ben, I’m sorry…”

“No, it’s okay. I… I’m the one who was silly to ask in the first place. I knew you would say no before I even opened my big mouth.”

“It’s just…”

“You don’t have to justify yourself really… I didn’t think you could like me.”

“It’s… it has nothing to do with you, Ben. I just… I don’t go out with my colleagues, that’s all.”

A shimmer of hope suddenly shone in his heart.

“Oh,” he breathed.

“So… I’m sorry, but I can’t go on a date with you,” you apologized.

“It’s okay,” he said softly.

“I’m sorry. I just think that it makes everything complicated.”

“Does that mean that you don’t date actors you’re working with at the moment or…”

“I don’t date actors in general.”

Ben felt his heart breaking under his ribs. And hell, it was painful…

“Don’t you think it’s a bit stupid,” he said, trying to make you change your mind. “I mean… for people you’re currently working with, I understand. It could create tensions and that would be bad for the rest of the crew but… once you’re not working together anymore…”

“If we see each other three weeks in the entire year because we’re constantly travelling around the world for different projects… how can it work?”

Ben shrugged, looking down at the table, fleeing your intense stare.

“I don’t know,” he admitted.

“Anyway… to fit in this category of people, you would need to wait five more months,” you added with a nervous laugh. “We both know it’s not what you meant to do.”

He looked up at you again, and his dark eyes were so intense, you were sure he could read your very soul.

“What if I was willing to do it? What if I was ready to wait five more months?” he breathed.

You stared back at him for a while, both of you motionless, wrapped in a heavy silence that seemed to make the trailer shrink around the two of you.

You cleared your throat.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea, Ben.”

He nodded slowly, giving you a reassuring smile.

But you could see how fake it was. There were tears in his eyes.

“Right…” he whispered.

He picked up his script again.

“So, where were we?” he asked, turning the pages.

But you shook your head. You couldn’t just act as if nothing had happened.

“I’m sorry, Ben…” you breathed.

“It’s fine, it’s okay,” he reassured you, still searching for the right page. “I reckon we had almost finished the second scene for tomorrow, right?”

But you put your hand upon his script, forcing him to look up at you.

“I reckon we’ve worked enough for tonight,” you said.

He flinched. Pain transpired on his face, and he was unable to contain it. And again, for a long while, you merely kept on staring at each other.

But Ben suddenly stood up.

“I’m sorry,” he said, panic shaking his voice. “I shouldn’t have asked that at all.”

He strode towards the door and before you could move a single muscle, he was gone, closing the door behind him.

He had barely walked three meters away from your trailer that the cold wind brought him back to earth. His brain started to work again. He couldn’t just walk away. He had played with fire, and had been burnt, and now he had to stop the blazes he had created before you would get burnt as well.

He took a deep breath, the cold wind of autumn carrying skeleton leaves that came bumping into his legs. He turned back towards your trailer, and knocked on the door.

You quickly opened the door, crossing your arms before your chest in a useless attempt to fight against the cold.

“Don’t be mad at me,” he breathed, and his voice was begging.

“I’m not mad, Ben,” you reassured him.

“Don’t stop talking to me,” he went on. “I’m sorry, it was stupid to ask that.”

“It’s all right, Ben.”

“Let’s… let’s just forget that his happened, right?”

“Right,” you nodded. “Don’t worry, nothing changes.”

He nodded, and turned around again. You watched him as he walked away, his silhouette bathed in moonlight.

And you both knew that it wasn’t all right, and that things were changing.

It was just a lie…


	2. What The Heart Wants

You heaved a sigh, watching as the rain shattered against the window pane. You were alone, eating some toasts and drinking a cup of too hot coffee in your trailer, trying to learn your lines. But all you could think about was Ben.

He hadn’t been the same since that night. Of course he was still the kind, caring, hilarious man that he always was, but it was different. He used to spend every minute of his free time with you, running from a set to the other just to take a coffee with you. He used to make you laugh so much, and to laugh at your silly jokes too. He used to eat next to you every day, and he would often come to eat with you at night as well.

You used to be inseparable. But now, you only saw him when you had to shoot a scene together. He wasn’t crossing the studio to see you anymore, he didn’t come to your trailer with a big smile on his face and a merry ‘Good morning, sleepy!’ on his lips in the morning when he brought you a coffee. When you made jokes, he merely smiled now. He never sat directly next to you at lunch. And it was killing you.

The truth was, you missed him.

It was preventing you from eating, from focusing, from learning your lines, from sleeping… Every time your thoughts drifted towards him and then you spent hours thinking about that night. About the way he was looking at you like you were some kind of goddess, the way he spoke to you ever so softly, the way he seemed so hurt and sad after you pushed him away.

You were starting to think that this rule of yours was not a good rule at all.

One thing was for sure you needed him back into your life. It had been a mere week since all this mess had happened and you were miserable already. You missed him. You missed him more than you had ever missed anyone, and yet you saw him every day.

You threw your script away on the couch and stood up, deciding to go see him in his trailer.

You were tired of wasting your thoughts on him. You needed to show him that to you it was all right, that you just wanted him to be your friend again.

Above you, the sun was rising, the light made pale by the cold of November. You shivered under the frozen breeze, regretting not to have taken a coat.

You knocked on the door of Ben’s trailer, and he was fast to open…

…shirtless.

His eyes grew wider at the sight of you, and he frowned slightly.

“Y/N? Is there a problem?”

It didn’t seem to bother him to be half naked. You couldn’t help but look at his chest, and you caught yourself wishing to let your fingertips roam the smooth surface of his chest.

You cleared your throat, fireworks exploding in your stomach, and you forced yourself to look up at his dark eyes.

“Can we talk?” you asked, your voice lower than usual. “Just for a minute, it won’t be long.”

He nodded, letting you enter inside the little room.

“I’ll just grab a shirt,” he said.

You blushed fiercely when he turned around and you saw the top of his dark boxers above the line of his sweatpants.

You were ready to faint…

He walked back, wearing a dark T-shirt that fitted way too well his body, and he crossed his arms before his chest, leaning against the sink.

“You want to talk about a scene?” he asked.

You knew he was trying to sound casual, to make his voice soft for you. But the coldness and the bitterness in his tone were still present enough for you to notice them.

“No, I wasn’t coming to talk about that, actually.”

He silently encouraged you to continue.

“I don’t want you to be mad at me,” you said earnestly. “I want things to get back to normal.”

“I’m not mad at you, Y/N,” he said, uncrossing his arms.

“You’re not acting the same with me since… that night.”

You exchanged a stare.

“I thought you would want me to stay away from you,” he confessed.

“Well, you were wrong.”

“I don’t want you to be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you, Ben. Really, not at all. I just… I miss you.”

He smiled.

“You see me every day.”

But you shook your head, unable to hide how much you were aching. You were physically in pain because of how much you missed him being near you all day long.

What the hell was wrong with you?!

“It’s not the same,” you breathed. “You don’t joke with me, and you don’t sit next to me anymore and… you’re avoiding me. Don’t try to deny it, I know you do.”

Ben looked down at the ground, putting his hands in his pockets.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed, his voice barely audible. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you on a date in the first place. You’re right, we’re working together and… I knew you would say no anyway.”

“Ben…”

“How could you want someone like me?”

He had whispered the last sentence, it was such a shy sound that you had barely caught the meaning of it. But you had.

You strode towards him and wrapped your arms around him.

“What are you talking about? You’re amazing.”

He gave you a sad smile.

“Yeah… but I’m the kind guy of the story. And the female hero never stays with good guy in the end, always with the bad boy. And the bad boy has never been me.”

You shook your head, and you felt Ben’s arms slowly wrap around you.

“You’re wrong, some of us prefer the good, sweet guy.”

“I don’t think so. Why do you think I’m still single?”

You both chuckled, and you looked up at him.

You knew the true reason why you couldn’t have a date with him for now. Because the truth was, Ben was wonderful, and you could definitely break this rule of yours for a man like him, you could see it now. But your life was a mess. You had not healed yet from your breakup. And Gerald didn’t seem willing to let you go. And Ben deserved to know that.

“I’m sorry for the other night,” you whispered, going on you tiptoe so you could whisper into his ear, and you felt tears blurring your sight. “The truth is… I’m such a mess for now. And you… you’re so kind to me.”

Ben closed his eyes. He didn’t really know if your words eased the pain or made it worse.

“You deserve more than to be a bandage,” you whispered. “I don’t trust people anymore, except you. I trust you, Ben. And you’re so funny, and so kind, and so caring… no one ever treated me like that. Like I was more important than the rest of the world to them. And I know it’s selfish, but I can’t handle the relationship you would deserve. And on the other hand I can’t handle to lose you too.”

You were shaken by a sob, unable to control the salty tears that rolled down our face and came falling on Ben’s neck and shoulder. He tightened his hold on you, cradling your head in his large palm.

“We didn’t meet at the right time,” you said softly.

“I understand,” he said. “I understand, Y/N. It’s okay.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah, I do understand. It’s okay.”

“Please, stop avoiding me.”

“That’s a deal.”

You smiled, looking up at him.

“There’s a question that remains though,” he said softly, his thumbs drying your cheeks.

He stared at you, his chocolate eyes fixed upon yours.

“We’re friends, right?” he asked softly. “And we’ll stay friends… right?”

You shrugged.

“I don’t know,” you breathed. “For now yes, we’re friends.”

“And for later?”

“Perhaps not,” you whispered.

Ben nodded, and you caught him glimpsing at your lips.

“I see,” he breathed.

There was a brand new tension between the two of you. Something electric that gave you tickles down your fingers.

His lips seemed so soft…

But Ben shook himself, blushing hard and he freed you from his tight embrace.

“I guess we’ll see about that later, right?” Ben said slowly, taking a step away from you.

“We should go or we’ll be late and Andrew will probably slaughter us,” you joked.

You both smiled.

“I’ll see you after you’ve transformed into a 19th century guy?” you said, heading towards the door.

“Good luck with your dress,” he answered, teasing you.

You stuck out your tongue, making him laugh, and you walked out of his trailer.

You were convinced that there was no turning back. You would never go back to a simple friendship with Ben. This tension would always be there for now on…

You opened the door to your trailer, heaving a sigh, wondering where this would lead you…

“Y/N!”

You jumped at the sound of Gerald’s voice, your eyes round with shock.

“Gerald… what are you doing here? How… How did you learn where I was?” you asked, aghast, closing the door in a hurry.

“I begged your agent,” your ex-boyfriend said.

“Gerald… ” you sighed, rubbing your eyes. “You shouldn’t have come here.”

“We needed to have a talk and you didn’t answer any of my calls.”

“Because I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Y/N… we’re made for each other, can’t you see it?”

“Strangely enough, it’s hard to see it when I imagine you with this girl…”

“It was a mistake, a terrible mistake. But I reckon that two months without any news is more than enough of a punishment.”

“No, Gerald. It’s not.”

“You were gone for weeks…”

“It’s not an excuse to sleep with someone else.”

“You chose to travel around the globe instead of staying with me,” he snapped. “You have your fair share of responsibilities in all this mess.”

You smiled. You could hear Ben’s voice in your ears…

“It’s not because you’re with someone that you can’t think about your career,” you repeated his words. “If you loved me, then you would understand.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“I’m not going to give you a second chance.”

“Y/N…”

Someone knocked on the door, and Ben appeared on the threshold a second later, opening the door.

“Y/N, are you ready?” he asked, his voice fading as he noticed the presence of your ex.

“Hi,” Gerald said, offering Ben his opened hand, although his tone was cold. “I’m Gerald Lancaster.”

Ben shook your ex’s hand, looking at you.

“Gerald, right?”

You nodded slowly, clenching your jaw.

You saw a glint of pain shine in Ben’s eyes, and he looked down at the ground.

“Well, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but… We’re going to be late,” Ben said softly.

“You’re Y/N’s colleague, right?” Gerald asked.

“I am,” Ben nodded.

“I guess it explains the costume,” Gerald laughed.

“It does indeed…” Ben said. “Speaking of costume, you need to change.”

“Gerald, I have to go now,” you said, turning towards your ex-boyfriend again.

“Can I see you tonight?” he asked, taking your hands in his.

“Gerald…”

“Just tonight.”

You knew he would not drop it. You knew he wouldn’t give up. He was used to have everything he wanted.

One thing was for sure, he would not have you.

“I need to go now,” you said, tearing your hands away from his.

You walked out of the trailer with Ben.

“God… thank you,” you told Ben, heaving a sigh. “He just… arrived without warning and I couldn’t get rid of him.”

“I thought you would not give him a second chance,” Ben replied, his voice quite cold.

“I’m not going to give him a second chance.”

“It didn’t look like it, though.”

“Ben…”

“I thought you wanted to forget him.”

“That’s what I want.”

“Well… I guess I’m lucky you didn’t use me as a bandage, it would have been short.”

You grabbed his arm, stopping him. And when he saw the tears in your eyes he knew he had gone too far.

Because the truth was you wanted him more than you would ever admit to yourself. Although, you reckoned that he could have much better than the mess that you were.

“I don’t love him,” you said, staring at Ben.

“But you let him inside your trailer.”

“He was already inside when I came in.”

“Why didn’t you tell him to go then?”

“What do you think I was trying to do in there?”

“You didn’t seem infuriated.”

“I’m beyond that now. I just want him out of my life, I’m sick of wasting my time and energy on him.”

“Is that why you want us to be just friends then?” Ben asked bitterly, speaking through gritted teeth. “Because you want _him_?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Well I’m sorry, Y/N, but I’m tired of playing the best friend,” he said.

You had never seen him so angry. He wasn’t raising his voice but his voice was bitter and full of pain and frustration and anger… It was like he had been holding back for what seemed to be forever, and suddenly everything was exploding.

“I’ve been playing the best friend all my life. But this time I can’t,” Ben went on, shaking his head, and his voice was trembling and his dark eyes were filled with tears. “For you I can’t. Because it’s not like anything I’ve experienced before, and I don’t want to give up on you.”

“Ben…”

“I can’t be your friend,” he interrupted you. “I can’t _fake_ to be just your friend. I thought I could but after what happened that night, what happened just a few minutes ago… I can’t. I won’t be just a friend. I won’t waste my life on you, waiting for a sign, when you fuck your ex-boyfriend!”

You opened your mouth to answer, but your director called you from afar.

“I’ll stay professional,” Ben said coldly. “But it’s going to be nothing more or everything more. No in-betweens. No friends.”

He strode away from you, walking towards your director who was still calling for you to hurry to get dressed.

How were you supposed to react now?

————————————————————————————————-

“We have a technical problem for the scene we were supposed to film this afternoon.”

Your director seemed exhausted, and under way too much stress.

“So instead, we’ll be preparing the scene we were supposed to do next week. From page 120 to page 127.”

You and Ben both took your scripts, checking the scene Andrew was talking about.

And you exchanged a nervous glance as you recognized the scene.

“I’m sorry, but you just have lunchtime to get ready,” your director went on.

“All right,” Ben nodded slowly, still looking at you.

Andrew was called by someone else, and left Ben and you alone on the deserted set. Everyone was eating lunch, except the two of you, as you had remained behind to talk with Andrew.

Ben cleared his throat.

“Let’s try to learn the lines, we have very little time.”

You nodded, feeling uncomfortable as hell. But as Ben didn’t talk about the end of the scene yet, you had no intention to bring up the subject.

So you went through the scene with Ben several times, both of you trying to memorize the letters written on the page.

Until finally you knew them enough to think about the last part of the scene.

“Perhaps we should do it… shyly,” Ben proposed. “Not.. get involved too much.”

“Yeah, ” you nodded.

“I hope Andrew won’t ask us to do the scene too many times.”

“Yeah…”

You looked at each other, dark, infinite eyes fixed upon yours.

And you knew you were lost this time. Because deep down, you hoped Andrew would ask the two of you to play the scene several times…

Soon the set was filled with people again, Andrew looking outside as the heavy rain was falling hard on the treetops. The scene you should have shot that afternoon was supposed to be set outside, no wonder what the technical problem was.

You were glad Andrew had changed the scene though.

Your director gave Ben and you some final indications and advices, before striding behind the cameras, leaving the two of you alone in the middle of the richly decorated fake living-room.

You went through the scene smoothly, none of you forgetting the lines (you reckoned it was kind of a miracle), until you were reaching the end of the scene.

“I wish you could have more faith in me,” Ben said, pouring himself some grape juice that was supposed to replace red wine, and he emptied the whole glass in one large gulp.

“You don’t give me much reasons to trust you,” you replied, looking by the fake window.

“I’ll be gone soon anyway,” Ben said softly.

You looked at him with wide eyes, setting an expression of shock on your face.

“What do you mean?” you asked, your tone matching his.

“I’ll soon be back to London. I won’t remain a bother to you for long now.”

You put your hand on your stomach, faking a difficult breathing.

“But… I thought… my sister will be devastated,” you breathed.

Ben turned to you, staring intensely at your eyes.

And the butterflies in your stomach were not faked…

“Your sister is adorable,” he said. “I never had any intention to ask for her hand though.”

“But then, why did you stay here for so long?”

“You really have no idea?”

You let him take a step towards you.

“I’m about to marry someone else…” you said.

“I know,” Ben nodded.

“We will never have a chance you and I.”

“I know.”

“We’ll never be together.”

The look of pain in his eyes seemed real this time.

“I know.”

He leaned slowly to kiss you, and you let him.

You had planned a shy kiss and Ben was holding true to his word. It was shy and delicate, your lips touching but not quite pressed against each other.

And yet your knees were trembling, and it wasn’t something you could control.

It was short, way too short to your liking but when Ben pulled away you forced your eyes to open, remembering the character you were playing.

But Andrew stopped filming and walked towards the two of you.

“Good enough, a bit more passionate. Particularly for the kiss. I mean… you think you’ll never see her again,” he told Ben. “So make it more like a farewell kiss, right?”

“Right,” Ben nodded.

“Okay, let’s do this again.”

So again you went smoothly through the scene, changing a few things, until you reached the end of the scene again.

“I wish you could have more faith in me,” Ben said, pouring himself some grape juice one more time, drinking all the beverage in one large gulp again.

“You don’t give me much reasons to trust you,” you replied, your eyes still fixed on him this time.

“I’ll be gone soon anyway,” Ben said softly.

You summoned the expression of shock on your face again.

“What do you mean?” you asked, short of breath.

“I’ll soon be back to London. I won’t remain a bother to you for long now.”

You shook your head slowly, searching for support by resting your palm on the back of the couch behind you.

“But… I thought… my sister will be devastated,” you breathed.

Ben turned to you, staring intensely at your eyes.

You knew you would fall for these eyes every time you saw them from now on.

“Your sister is adorable,” he said. “I never had any intention to ask for her hand though.”

“But then, why did you stay here for so long?”

He walked closer to you, and brushed his fingertips against your cheeks. His eyes were so sad as his skin touched yours. He cupped your cheek slowly, and you could read in his eyes that he felt like he was doing something forbidden.

“You really have no idea?” he breathed, looking at your eyes again.

“I’m about to marry someone else…” you whispered, your throat tightened at the feeling of his thumb brushing your cheek.

“I know,” Ben nodded.

There was so much truth now mixed in the fake…

“We will never have a chance you and I.”

“I know.”

“We will never be together.”

He gave you a sad smile.

“I know.”

Before you could make any movement, he crushed his lips to yours.

He wrapped an arm around your waist, holding you closer to him, and your hand immediately flew up to hold on his shoulders.

You were sure that if he hadn’t been holding you so tightly, you would have fallen to the ground, your knees unable to carry you any longer.

And as your lips moved in perfect sync, you know he wasn’t kissing Gloria. He was kissing _you._ It wasn’t your first kiss in front of a camera, and you could recognize the difference between a forced kiss and one that is willingly given. And there was so much in this kiss… it seemed like his entire soul was revealed to you. All the passion, and the frustration, and yet it was tender and loving…

No one had ever kissed you like that. And you didn’t reckon that you could survive without this kind of kiss now that you had experienced it.

Finally, he broke away, both of you short of breath, and he rested his brow against yours.

When you opened your eyes, his eyelids were still closed, and a tear was rolling down his cheek.

“Goodbye, Gloria,” he breathed.

And before you could react he had broken your embrace and strode out of the room.

You didn’t hear the loud 'cut’ that Andrew shouted, nor the people clapping. It’s only when Ben reappeared on the other side of the set that your brain was able to work again.

“Brilliant, that was much better!” Andrew said, apparently very happy. “No need for another take, that was perfect!”

Ben dried his cheek.

“Can we take a short break?” he asked.

“Sure,” Andrew nodded. “I thought we would take much more time than this to get through this scene anyway.”

Ben walked away without looking at you, burying his hands in his pockets, his head down.

You needed to talk to him. What had just happened…

You hurried after him, walking out of the set and following him down a corridor.

“Ben,” you called.

He froze, turning slowly towards you.

“We need to talk,” you said, reaching him.

He nodded, opening the door of a closet, and you both entered the narrow room.

You found yourself pressed against Ben. By the look he gave you he wasn’t expecting the closet to be so small. Ben found the switch and turned on the light, closing the door.

You merely stared at each other for a moment. His dark hair, that he had let grow these past few months for the sake of this movie, was falling before his eyes, and he brushed it away.

“Y/N… I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“There’s nothing you’ve done that deserves an apology,” you shook your head.

“I shouldn’t have kissed you like that. It was… out of line.”

“It wasn’t.”

“You made it quite clear that you didn’t see this in me…”

“No, you’re wrong.”

“What about Gerald then?”

“There’s nothing between him and me, and I don’t want anything to happen.”

You were so close, you could feel his breath brushing your face. He held your face in his hands, the long fingers stroking your cheekbones in reverence. This tension you had felt in his trailer was suddenly back between the two of you. And this time, you didn’t want it to stop…

“You kissed me back,” he whispered.

You nodded slowly.

“Was that just an act?” he asked, and you caught him glimpsing down at your lips.

“You know it wasn’t,” you breathed.

You could see his hesitation, and you didn’t dare to take the first step. You were afraid he would push you away.

He tightened slightly his hold on your face.

“Fuck…” he whispered.

The next second he was crushing your lips together.

He tasted like grape fruit, cigarettes and tea…

When Ben pulled away, you were both struggling for breath.

“I think…” you whispered, stuttering. “I think we should… go to this restaurant you were talking about.”

Ben nodded.

“Have you changed your mind then?” he asked softly.

“You know how to find good arguments,” you smiled.

“I don’t want a fling,” Ben said, resting his hands on your waist. “I don’t want to be a bandage you can throw away once you’re healed from Gerald’s betrayal.”

“I don’t want a fling either. I’m a mess though,” you breathed.

You seemed sad all of a sudden, a bit afraid.

“I can deal with a mess,” Ben smiled reassuringly, stroking your cheek with the back of his fingers. “I can’t deal with one-night stands.”

You wrapped your arms around his neck, drawing him even closer to you.

“Me neither,” you said, rubbing your nose against his.

You both grinned.

“We should go back,” he said. “Or the others are going to wonder where we are.”

“No, let’s stay here a bit longer,” you breathed, burying your face in the crook of his neck.

Ben let out a low chuckle that sent shivers down your spine.

“What happened to this rule of yours?” he asked against your hair. “The one about not dating one of your colleagues.”

“I’ve never been good at following rules anyway.”

“I’m happy you’re breaking this one.”

You laughed, running your hands through his hair.

“Andrew’s not going to be happy if you mess up with my hair,” he smiled.

“As if I could care…”

He laughed, kissing your forehead.

“Ben… perhaps we could just… take things slow and… try to see where this is taking us. Could you do that?”

He nodded, his beard brushing against your cheek.

“I think I can,” he said. “So… Are you free tonight?”

You grinned, looking up at him.

“Why… you have something in mind?”

“You like pizzas, right? Cause I know a very good little Italian not very far from here.”

“You’ll need more than a good pizza to spend the night with me.”

“I thought we were supposed to take it slow,” he said, raising an amused eyebrow.

“I’ve already told you… I’m bad at following rules.”

You both laughed, resting your brow against his.

“We need to go back,” he breathed.

You nodded and Ben opened the door again.

You didn’t know where this was going, but as you walked down the corridor hand in hand with Ben, you knew you had taken the right decision. And you knew you had found something much more valuable than a role here…


End file.
